Girl Scout's Honor

Guys--I really am okay. It was just a pity party, not a cry for help. I've gotten a few emails and phone calls from the last post (the only one that's ever inspired such a reaction) and I felt I needed to respond before my birthday party became an intervention. I was having one of those moments where I felt sorry for myself and I decided to write about it. I don't go around every day feeling sorry for myself or shitty about myself or full of resentment. I promise.
The truth of the matter is that it's hard for me to put myself out there. I don't like risk. I'm not good at it. And I did this time and I got burned. Because, somewhere along the line, I got it into my head that getting burned translates into severe embarrassment and stupidity on my part, I didn't tell anybody about what was going on. It's not because I think anybody would judge me (I mean, you let not one but TWO gay guys slide. Really, if there was ever a time to judge ... ).
Yes, the guy is still in my life. And yes, that causes me some concern. He knows that. Things are a little confused right now, but the truth of the matter is, I want him in my life right now. I don't know why. But I do. As a friend.
No, I am not waiting around for him. I don't know what the future holds, but what this whole experience has taught me is that that's okay. I tend to play my life like a chess game: I need to be two moves ahead of everybody else. And if you live your life like that, you never take any chances and you're left wondering what if. I didn't think with him. I just took a leap and hoped for the best. It didn't end the way I wanted it to, but what I got isn't bad: a friend who will talk me through my insecurities and support me through a crisis and make sure I'm laughing when I really should be crying.
So, in conclusion, thank you for worrying about me. But I'm okay. Girl Scout's Honor.