Beware of Co-Workers Bearing Gifts

As some of the regular readers of this blog may remember, I met AJ (the Key West Wonder) through a woman I work with. It was very much a left-field setup. We weren’t particularly friendly, so I never expected her to come out with, “let me introduce you to somebody.”
I’ve learned the lesson the hard way: beware of gifts that come from left-field.
I was out at a movie with my friend Keaton when he dropped this bomb on me. Keaton and I also work together, so naturally he knows the woman who set me up with AJ. He asked if I had spoken with the matchmaker lately (the matchmaker has since moved to another company). I said I hadn’t.
“You know, we were never really all that friendly to begin with. The whole setup thing was kind of weird,” I said, throwing a handful of popcorn into my mouth.
“I was just wondering how she was doing with the gay husband,” Keaton said.
“You’ve referenced that a couple of times recently, Keaton,” I said. “You know, he’s an actor. That doesn’t mean he’s gay. Plenty of actors are straight.”
Keaton looks at me funnily. “I’m pretty sure actors that look at gay porn on their home computers are gay, though.”
I choke on my popcorn. “Excuse me?”
“How do you not know this story?”
“I’m not sure. Did you ever tell me this story?”
Keaton thinks. “I thought I did. But maybe not.”
I’m getting impatient. “So you want to start telling me now?”
“Sure. One day she comes in all nuts and grabs Carl and says she needs coffee. And she proceeds to tell him that she just caught her husband looking at gay porn on the computer and is that normal?”
“I guess it’s better that she caught him rather than, oh, I don’t know, one of their two very young daughters. But holy shit.”
“I know. So Carl’s like, ‘Yeah, it’s normal. IF YOUR HUSBAND’S GAY. Other than that, not so normal.’”
“Oh my god.”
“I know, it’s horrible.”
“No, not that. I mean, yes it’s horrible. But I’m just remembering something.”
After emailing back and forth for about two weeks, AJ and I made plans to go for drinks. Since she was the force behind us getting together, I told the matchmaker that we were finally meeting face to face.
Instead of being happy, she got a little weird.
“I’ve been struggling with if I should have told you about this or not,” she said.
Oh jeez. “Tell me what?” I asked.
“Well, I didn’t know if I should mention something or not, and I keep going back and forth, but now that you’re meeting him, I guess I should say something.”
“What’s wrong? He’s not married, is he?”
“Oh, nothing like that. It’s just that, two years ago, he had [long dramatic pause inserted here] thyroid cancer. And I thought that he should tell you himself, but then I didn’t want you to think that I should have warned you.”
I’m stunned. Not that he had cancer, because I’m not a freak who somehow thinks cancer is catching. I’m stunned that she’s telling me this like it’s some big horrible secret. He had cancer. No big deal. Now if he had cancer and also a few rape convictions behind him, then that’s when I could understand the tone of this little speech. But this is just odd.
“Is he okay now?”
“Oh yeah. He’s fine now. I think he takes a pill every day because it’s affected his thyroid, but that’s it.”
I really don’t know what to say. I know what I want to say, which is “Seriously, lady, what the hell is wrong with you?”
Now, all of a sudden, the tone is flying back with me with a whole lot of sense behind me. Because I’m also remembering the time I met her husband, AJ’s best friend.
We went to the restaurant that the actor worked in (he’s not exactly a working actor. Much like, I’m finding out now, he might not exactly be a straight actor). It was the night of our first fight. I was out with him and my friend A and we decided to stop by the actor’s restaurant. A and I were introduced, then we were left to the bar to our own devices while AJ disappeared for a while. Kind of a long while. When he got back, he was incredibly nasty. He had never been like that before. After we walked Allison home, we would up having a huge fight on the street and I left in tears. I just couldn’t understand the sudden change in his behavior.
Now I found, I could.