Pity, Party of One
It’s official.
With the friend who was single for so long we were wondering what the hell was going on there now “kinda, sorta dating somebody,” I am the very last one of my friends in the single column.
The very last one.
I know you’re thinking, “Oh, come on. Somebody’s got to be single.” And yes, I have some friends, like the one in Ireland, who’s not dating anybody (although I haven’t talked to her in a while and, at last count, four men were vying for her attentions). But, of the people I interact with every day, it’s me and a bunch of couples.
How the hell did that happen?
I haven’t talked about the asshole much here for a couple of reasons. One is that it was just too raw. He really hurt me in a way I haven’t been hurt in a while. Every time I tried to write about him, my funny, insightful anecdote turned into a whiny pity party and I do not want my blog to become a series of therapeutic diary entries. I have a separate diary for that.
But now I’m the only single girl. So let the pity party begin.
I can’t help but think that I spent five of the last six months believing that the asshole was going to come home and make good on the promises he was tossing out liberally every single day. And when I should have been dating people that actually gave a shit about me, who actually had intentions to be with me, I was waiting for somebody who, well I don’t know what the hell he was doing but he didn’t have intentions of being with me. He told me that himself. So it’s hard not to view that time as time wasted. And it’s hard for me not to feel like a fool for believing his lies.
Another reason that I haven’t written about him is that to write about him is to admit, to myself and to the very few people who know the back story, that he’s still in my life. I talk to the asshole just about every day. And that causes me huge issues. Because I feel like I’m setting myself up to be hurt again and I know I capitulated too easily after he hurt me so badly. I’m not sure even how we wound up being friends again. Except that, after telling me that he never had any intentions with me, he wouldn’t let me go and there’s only so many times a person can apologize before you either accept of feel like a heartless bitch. It’s kind of funny how that works.
But now, as I see the asshole’s the consistent man in my life and I look around and find myself in the land of the single, party of one, I’m starting to wonder if forgive and forget was the wisest policy decision. It’s not easy to feel full of forgiveness when I’m feeling like I’m playing the fool. In fact, the emotion I feel full of right now is resentment. I resent the time I spent with him before, I resent the time I’m spending with him now. I resent the way he made me feel like shit about myself, how I felt like the world’s biggest fool because of him, how I wonder all the time if I’m being the world’s biggest fool right now for still being in contact with him. I resent that I let him get away with not answering my questions. I resent that he wouldn’t answer my questions in the first place. I resent that I don’t know what he’s up to and I’m not sure what the hell’s going on or why he feels the need to have me in his life even though, walking contradiction that I am, I know that I would resent it if he cut me out of his life when the shit hit the fan two months ago.
Told you it was going to be a pity party.
But when all that resentment confetti hits the ground, and I’m alone to clean up the mess, I really have to point the finger at myself. Why do I set myself up to be hurt? Why did I care if he thought I was a bitch for not forgiving him for lying to me for five months? Why did I let him back in my life when he needed me instead of protecting myself? And, most importantly, why, now, can’t I let him go?
With the friend who was single for so long we were wondering what the hell was going on there now “kinda, sorta dating somebody,” I am the very last one of my friends in the single column.
The very last one.
I know you’re thinking, “Oh, come on. Somebody’s got to be single.” And yes, I have some friends, like the one in Ireland, who’s not dating anybody (although I haven’t talked to her in a while and, at last count, four men were vying for her attentions). But, of the people I interact with every day, it’s me and a bunch of couples.
How the hell did that happen?
I haven’t talked about the asshole much here for a couple of reasons. One is that it was just too raw. He really hurt me in a way I haven’t been hurt in a while. Every time I tried to write about him, my funny, insightful anecdote turned into a whiny pity party and I do not want my blog to become a series of therapeutic diary entries. I have a separate diary for that.
But now I’m the only single girl. So let the pity party begin.
I can’t help but think that I spent five of the last six months believing that the asshole was going to come home and make good on the promises he was tossing out liberally every single day. And when I should have been dating people that actually gave a shit about me, who actually had intentions to be with me, I was waiting for somebody who, well I don’t know what the hell he was doing but he didn’t have intentions of being with me. He told me that himself. So it’s hard not to view that time as time wasted. And it’s hard for me not to feel like a fool for believing his lies.
Another reason that I haven’t written about him is that to write about him is to admit, to myself and to the very few people who know the back story, that he’s still in my life. I talk to the asshole just about every day. And that causes me huge issues. Because I feel like I’m setting myself up to be hurt again and I know I capitulated too easily after he hurt me so badly. I’m not sure even how we wound up being friends again. Except that, after telling me that he never had any intentions with me, he wouldn’t let me go and there’s only so many times a person can apologize before you either accept of feel like a heartless bitch. It’s kind of funny how that works.
But now, as I see the asshole’s the consistent man in my life and I look around and find myself in the land of the single, party of one, I’m starting to wonder if forgive and forget was the wisest policy decision. It’s not easy to feel full of forgiveness when I’m feeling like I’m playing the fool. In fact, the emotion I feel full of right now is resentment. I resent the time I spent with him before, I resent the time I’m spending with him now. I resent the way he made me feel like shit about myself, how I felt like the world’s biggest fool because of him, how I wonder all the time if I’m being the world’s biggest fool right now for still being in contact with him. I resent that I let him get away with not answering my questions. I resent that he wouldn’t answer my questions in the first place. I resent that I don’t know what he’s up to and I’m not sure what the hell’s going on or why he feels the need to have me in his life even though, walking contradiction that I am, I know that I would resent it if he cut me out of his life when the shit hit the fan two months ago.
Told you it was going to be a pity party.
But when all that resentment confetti hits the ground, and I’m alone to clean up the mess, I really have to point the finger at myself. Why do I set myself up to be hurt? Why did I care if he thought I was a bitch for not forgiving him for lying to me for five months? Why did I let him back in my life when he needed me instead of protecting myself? And, most importantly, why, now, can’t I let him go?
posted by Still Hopeful @ 10:19 AM
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