What We've Come To
My friend M is dating a guy, S, for two months. They spend every weekend together, plus they see each other during the week sometimes. They sleep together, they go on great dates. They are going for their first weekend away together. They are, for all intents and purposes, boyfriend and girlfriend.
EXCEPT:
a) they don’t call each other boyfriend and girlfriend (don’t labels just put a damper on things?)
b) he only calls her at the end of the week to see her on the weekend
c) he hasn’t told anybody in his family about her (he says he doesn’t talk about those things with members of his family) and he hasn’t introduced her to any of his friends or colleagues
d) he’s bringing a friend to their romantic weekend away (the one friend of his she does know, and that’s only because M’s friend, through whom she met S, introduced them accidentally while S was on a business trip)
e) He’s still registered on an online dating service.
This is the era of confused, mixed-message dating. You can be “hanging out” with somebody, “seeing” somebody, “dating” somebody (but this doesn’t mean that you’re in a relationship). It’s all so confusing. And with so many different options, it’s only inevitable that you might up on different pages.
So the question is, how do you know what you are in a relationship?
Sadly, the only way to prove that you are in a relationship is through negative deduction, as the authors of the book “He’s just not that into you” stunningly proved to all of us this past year. The book has become a bible for single women in urban areas just by being a checklist of what not to look for. Everybody knows that if he’s married, he’s not that into you, but for some reason, it took a thin pink book to point that fact out to us.
Women have the most amazing capacity to read between the lines of any situation. And when there aren’t lines, we’ll invent the lines and then invent the subtext to go between them. It is a stunning amount of work we do to create relationships that are not there.
Facts don’t lie. And if he’s not calling you his girlfriend, it’s because he doesn’t want his real potential girlfriend, who he knows is still out there waiting for him, to be scared off by the fact that another bears her title. If he doesn’t tell his family or friends about you, it’s because he knows they’re simple and he doesn’t want to confuse them with Ms. Right and Ms. Right-Now. And if he’s taking you and seven of his closest friends on a romantic weekend, well, just stay the hell away, because who wants to deal with a guy that insecure or immature.
But here’s the kicker: guys also come in the player variety. Players are the ones who know all these rules, play by them, and then leave anyway. Players’ friends and families are in on it, and thanks to that lovely little double-standard, just laugh indulgently, thinking “He’ll grow out of it someday!” Players are too quick to call you their girlfriend, too fast in the professions of lust (they are very careful not to say love), too ready to make that commitment. So many of my girlfriends (and, let’s admit it, me too) have been taken by these guys. We see so many of the other guys, the ones that won’t step up, that take forever to ask for that first date, that won’t make the commitments we want or need, that don’t introduce us around, that hide us as if they’re ashamed of us, that when somebody comes around that’s just too good to be true, we never stop to think that maybe he is. We just allow ourselves to get swept off our feet. And while we’re castle-building in the sky, Prince Charming is off trying to ride some underage princess with big boobs who is, like 95% certain you can’t get pregnant from blow jobs. Because, like, she’s given out millions of them and she’s never had a problem. Yet.
It is a confusing ground that single women have found themselves on in this day and age. Old-fashioned dating seems out of place in today’s society, but this whole “meaningless sex until love” kick we seem to be on right now doesn’t ever work out for anybody (and of course there’s the exception. There’s always the exception. The exception lets you justify your own late-night drunken behavior. But there’s a reason she’s called the exception. And if you have a friend who is the exception, then guess what? You’re not it. Now put your pants back on). We are stuck desperately trying to find a middle ground that isn’t between two lines we’ve created ourselves.
EXCEPT:
a) they don’t call each other boyfriend and girlfriend (don’t labels just put a damper on things?)
b) he only calls her at the end of the week to see her on the weekend
c) he hasn’t told anybody in his family about her (he says he doesn’t talk about those things with members of his family) and he hasn’t introduced her to any of his friends or colleagues
d) he’s bringing a friend to their romantic weekend away (the one friend of his she does know, and that’s only because M’s friend, through whom she met S, introduced them accidentally while S was on a business trip)
e) He’s still registered on an online dating service.
This is the era of confused, mixed-message dating. You can be “hanging out” with somebody, “seeing” somebody, “dating” somebody (but this doesn’t mean that you’re in a relationship). It’s all so confusing. And with so many different options, it’s only inevitable that you might up on different pages.
So the question is, how do you know what you are in a relationship?
Sadly, the only way to prove that you are in a relationship is through negative deduction, as the authors of the book “He’s just not that into you” stunningly proved to all of us this past year. The book has become a bible for single women in urban areas just by being a checklist of what not to look for. Everybody knows that if he’s married, he’s not that into you, but for some reason, it took a thin pink book to point that fact out to us.
Women have the most amazing capacity to read between the lines of any situation. And when there aren’t lines, we’ll invent the lines and then invent the subtext to go between them. It is a stunning amount of work we do to create relationships that are not there.
Facts don’t lie. And if he’s not calling you his girlfriend, it’s because he doesn’t want his real potential girlfriend, who he knows is still out there waiting for him, to be scared off by the fact that another bears her title. If he doesn’t tell his family or friends about you, it’s because he knows they’re simple and he doesn’t want to confuse them with Ms. Right and Ms. Right-Now. And if he’s taking you and seven of his closest friends on a romantic weekend, well, just stay the hell away, because who wants to deal with a guy that insecure or immature.
But here’s the kicker: guys also come in the player variety. Players are the ones who know all these rules, play by them, and then leave anyway. Players’ friends and families are in on it, and thanks to that lovely little double-standard, just laugh indulgently, thinking “He’ll grow out of it someday!” Players are too quick to call you their girlfriend, too fast in the professions of lust (they are very careful not to say love), too ready to make that commitment. So many of my girlfriends (and, let’s admit it, me too) have been taken by these guys. We see so many of the other guys, the ones that won’t step up, that take forever to ask for that first date, that won’t make the commitments we want or need, that don’t introduce us around, that hide us as if they’re ashamed of us, that when somebody comes around that’s just too good to be true, we never stop to think that maybe he is. We just allow ourselves to get swept off our feet. And while we’re castle-building in the sky, Prince Charming is off trying to ride some underage princess with big boobs who is, like 95% certain you can’t get pregnant from blow jobs. Because, like, she’s given out millions of them and she’s never had a problem. Yet.
It is a confusing ground that single women have found themselves on in this day and age. Old-fashioned dating seems out of place in today’s society, but this whole “meaningless sex until love” kick we seem to be on right now doesn’t ever work out for anybody (and of course there’s the exception. There’s always the exception. The exception lets you justify your own late-night drunken behavior. But there’s a reason she’s called the exception. And if you have a friend who is the exception, then guess what? You’re not it. Now put your pants back on). We are stuck desperately trying to find a middle ground that isn’t between two lines we’ve created ourselves.
posted by Still Hopeful @ 1:15 PM
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