Partying Like it’s 1998
My freshman year of high school, I came between two best friends.
It was an inadvertent action. I was very naïve and had no idea whatsoever that either of them, let alone both of them, were interested in me. I was 14. I didn’t really see myself in any kind of sexual capacity and I couldn’t imagine anybody else did either. So for the whole summer, I toyed with these two guys hearts. I talked to both of them all the time on the phone, because we were 14 and where the hell were we going to go (this was before the advent of the internet)? Occasionally, we met up at the mall, because, hey, we’re Jersey. And then, finally, one of them got the nerve to ask me out. We “went out” for a day. And then I got freaked out about the whole thing and took my yes back. I wanted to save our friendship.
Guess who barely ever talked to me again?
Once I took my yes back, the other guy decided to make his move, but by this time, I was so confused and freaked out, nothing ever came of it.
Except ….
The second guy was more aggressive and low and behold, 3 years later, we were making out in secret in whatever little corner we could find. It was bad for a number of reasons. One, I really was interested in the first guy. Had been since I was in sixth grade and now we were graduating high school. Two, one of my good friends, who I had met after freshman year, was interested in the second guy and when she found out what we were up to (which, of course, she did, because teenage girls have big mouths), she was really mad. Three, it was just trashy. We were making out in the health room, up against a poster that read “If smoking did to the outside of you what it does to the inside of you, it wouldn’t be so cool.” Come on.
I bumped into the second guy once, the summer after my freshman year of college, and then never saw him again. But thanks to these cheesy online communities, we wound up finding each other again and made plans to meet for drinks.
Second guy brings First guy with him. And we party like it’s 1998. We fall right into the same rolls. They are competing for my attention and, despite the fact that they’re best friends, and have been for nearly 12 years, they put each other down and make little digs at each other in my presence.
And what do I do? I fall into the exact same pattern I always do. I’m more attracted to First guy. I take Second guy home with me.
That Friday night, so many years later, we were still knuckle-dragging our way through gender relations. I didn’t want to tell First guy how I really felt, for fear of being embarrassed, and I was too attracted to the attention Second guy lavished on me to tell him the truth. We had not evolved much beyond our 14-year-old selves. All of which made me wonder, can we ever really have a change of heart?
When we speak of our first serious loves, we always talk about how we still love them and how we always will. We’re not IN love with them any more, we’re quick to couch, but we still hold a special place in our hearts for them that will NEVER change. But maybe change is good. Change is what prevents us from falling into the same habits. We don’t change because it’s easier not to. Change takes work and it’s scary and who the hell needs that? But not changing our hearts (and our ways and our habits) means that we’re making the same mistakes again and again. Maybe not with the same people, but if you’ve ever been told you have a type, you know exactly what I’m talking about.
I know I, for one, haven’t had a change of heart in about 10 years. I’m still playing the same rolls I was playing when I was in high school. Except it’s not 1998 any more.
It was an inadvertent action. I was very naïve and had no idea whatsoever that either of them, let alone both of them, were interested in me. I was 14. I didn’t really see myself in any kind of sexual capacity and I couldn’t imagine anybody else did either. So for the whole summer, I toyed with these two guys hearts. I talked to both of them all the time on the phone, because we were 14 and where the hell were we going to go (this was before the advent of the internet)? Occasionally, we met up at the mall, because, hey, we’re Jersey. And then, finally, one of them got the nerve to ask me out. We “went out” for a day. And then I got freaked out about the whole thing and took my yes back. I wanted to save our friendship.
Guess who barely ever talked to me again?
Once I took my yes back, the other guy decided to make his move, but by this time, I was so confused and freaked out, nothing ever came of it.
Except ….
The second guy was more aggressive and low and behold, 3 years later, we were making out in secret in whatever little corner we could find. It was bad for a number of reasons. One, I really was interested in the first guy. Had been since I was in sixth grade and now we were graduating high school. Two, one of my good friends, who I had met after freshman year, was interested in the second guy and when she found out what we were up to (which, of course, she did, because teenage girls have big mouths), she was really mad. Three, it was just trashy. We were making out in the health room, up against a poster that read “If smoking did to the outside of you what it does to the inside of you, it wouldn’t be so cool.” Come on.
I bumped into the second guy once, the summer after my freshman year of college, and then never saw him again. But thanks to these cheesy online communities, we wound up finding each other again and made plans to meet for drinks.
Second guy brings First guy with him. And we party like it’s 1998. We fall right into the same rolls. They are competing for my attention and, despite the fact that they’re best friends, and have been for nearly 12 years, they put each other down and make little digs at each other in my presence.
And what do I do? I fall into the exact same pattern I always do. I’m more attracted to First guy. I take Second guy home with me.
That Friday night, so many years later, we were still knuckle-dragging our way through gender relations. I didn’t want to tell First guy how I really felt, for fear of being embarrassed, and I was too attracted to the attention Second guy lavished on me to tell him the truth. We had not evolved much beyond our 14-year-old selves. All of which made me wonder, can we ever really have a change of heart?
When we speak of our first serious loves, we always talk about how we still love them and how we always will. We’re not IN love with them any more, we’re quick to couch, but we still hold a special place in our hearts for them that will NEVER change. But maybe change is good. Change is what prevents us from falling into the same habits. We don’t change because it’s easier not to. Change takes work and it’s scary and who the hell needs that? But not changing our hearts (and our ways and our habits) means that we’re making the same mistakes again and again. Maybe not with the same people, but if you’ve ever been told you have a type, you know exactly what I’m talking about.
I know I, for one, haven’t had a change of heart in about 10 years. I’m still playing the same rolls I was playing when I was in high school. Except it’s not 1998 any more.
posted by Still Hopeful @ 11:56 AM
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