For The Couple Who Has Everything
I was reading CNN.com this Valentine’s Day and, in addition to the regular news, there was this blog entry from one of their correspondents on vaginal rejuvenation.
I kid you not.
Vaginal rejuvenation is when you have your vagina reconstructed. You can tighten your birth canal, change the size (and I’m assuming shape as well) of everything down there. And you can get a new hymen.
That’s right, folks. For thousands of dollars, you, too, can be a brand new virgin. Just like when you came out of your mother’s (yet-to-be-rejuvenated) womb.
The article goes on to say that a couple, married 18 years with two kids, had a new hymen installed for their wedding anniversary.
You’ve got to be kidding me. Did they just burn a big pile of cash last year? Because, seriously, if you have two kids already, who the hell do you think you’re fooling? Or is this to make up for the fact that you wouldn’t let him so much as unbutton your blouse until you said “I Do,” only for him to find out a few hours later that he wasn’t exactly going where no man has gone before?
And, men, really, is that even a gift? I know everybody wants to be somebody’s first, but when you know you’re not (as evidenced by the TWO FUCKING KIDS you guys have playing X-Box downstairs), isn’t it just a lot of pain and awkwardness for no good reason? Isn’t there a point when you’re in your 50s and you’re married, that you just don’t want to deal with that any more? Sex on a towel (just like sex in an extra-long, extra-narrow dorm-room bed) gets old really quickly. There’s nothing I’d like to particularly revisit about either one, and I’m only in my mid-twenties.
I think if you do go through with this though, you really should make an effort to have a full-on deflowering experience. Maybe you can have his mom walk in on you about three minutes in, leading to an uncomfortable moment where she stands there, mouth agape, while your husband screams “Get out of here!” voice cracking all the while, only to have to sit on the couch moments later, dressed now, hair still a mess, while his mom calls your mom and everybody gets a lecture on the importance of waiting until marriage and I hope to god she’s not pregnant and I don’t know how you raised your daughter but and my kid wasn’t the only one in that bed. Maybe your mom can haul you up by the arm and storm out and throw you in the car and start crying. I mean, if you’re going to spend all that money on a new hymen, you might as well go all out. Do it right.
And do you gift wrap it? Throw a bow down there. A few ribbons and a gift card perhaps? Although I tend to think presenting it as a gift is really misleading. “Honey, I could have bought the sexy lingerie but I opted to spend our kid’s college fund so that you could have the awkward experience I denied you by whoring around before we were married.”
Do you think Hallmark makes a card for that?
I kid you not.
Vaginal rejuvenation is when you have your vagina reconstructed. You can tighten your birth canal, change the size (and I’m assuming shape as well) of everything down there. And you can get a new hymen.
That’s right, folks. For thousands of dollars, you, too, can be a brand new virgin. Just like when you came out of your mother’s (yet-to-be-rejuvenated) womb.
The article goes on to say that a couple, married 18 years with two kids, had a new hymen installed for their wedding anniversary.
You’ve got to be kidding me. Did they just burn a big pile of cash last year? Because, seriously, if you have two kids already, who the hell do you think you’re fooling? Or is this to make up for the fact that you wouldn’t let him so much as unbutton your blouse until you said “I Do,” only for him to find out a few hours later that he wasn’t exactly going where no man has gone before?
And, men, really, is that even a gift? I know everybody wants to be somebody’s first, but when you know you’re not (as evidenced by the TWO FUCKING KIDS you guys have playing X-Box downstairs), isn’t it just a lot of pain and awkwardness for no good reason? Isn’t there a point when you’re in your 50s and you’re married, that you just don’t want to deal with that any more? Sex on a towel (just like sex in an extra-long, extra-narrow dorm-room bed) gets old really quickly. There’s nothing I’d like to particularly revisit about either one, and I’m only in my mid-twenties.
I think if you do go through with this though, you really should make an effort to have a full-on deflowering experience. Maybe you can have his mom walk in on you about three minutes in, leading to an uncomfortable moment where she stands there, mouth agape, while your husband screams “Get out of here!” voice cracking all the while, only to have to sit on the couch moments later, dressed now, hair still a mess, while his mom calls your mom and everybody gets a lecture on the importance of waiting until marriage and I hope to god she’s not pregnant and I don’t know how you raised your daughter but and my kid wasn’t the only one in that bed. Maybe your mom can haul you up by the arm and storm out and throw you in the car and start crying. I mean, if you’re going to spend all that money on a new hymen, you might as well go all out. Do it right.
And do you gift wrap it? Throw a bow down there. A few ribbons and a gift card perhaps? Although I tend to think presenting it as a gift is really misleading. “Honey, I could have bought the sexy lingerie but I opted to spend our kid’s college fund so that you could have the awkward experience I denied you by whoring around before we were married.”
Do you think Hallmark makes a card for that?
posted by Still Hopeful @ 3:45 PM
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